Ever wondered what Jesus
would say if he were writing a blog, or a column in a magazine? No tongue in
cheek answers please; keep it spiritual (and sweet). Keep it holy. And if you can pull it, add a touch of
hallelujah - just for kicks, okay? Anything else keep to
yourself, or take with you to Wepukhulu’s. Yes. You don’t want to know where that is, do you? Do you, Attaboy? Here listen: if you are of the more
decent disposition I’ll describe Wepukhulu’s
to you as a bar but ideally it’s a whorehouse, revered for its licentiousness
and its total lack of sympathy to the naïve or the urban virgins. Wepukhulu’s coughs lustful notoriety. Jezebel
hangs her bra there.
I ask about Jesus because am curious.
Am trying to figure out something here. Am on a train. I will be for the next 3
hours. And I was just minding my biz, playing games on my phone, when something
caught my attention in here moments ago. There’s a very beautiful lady on the
seat right in front of mine. Well, I think she is, from the smell of her
perfume (hehehe…silly boy). Abreast from me – on the other aisle – is this
serious-looking chap in a suspender-held suit and huge-rimmed spectacles, and
brown “sharp shooter” leather shoes. He cuts the image of a Baptist minister
but I doubt he’s one; he’s far too serious-looking (especially with those
spectacles perched so funny on his nose). I don’t like him; he looks corrupt.
Like the sort of guy who’d ask you to get a goat for him before he signs some
document that allows you to set up a stall at a fish market.
On the seat in front of this
corrupt-looking guy is another chap, late 30s or early 40s. I saw him earlier
through my window as we were boarding. He was talking with a certain woman
outside. His sister. His girlfriend maybe. His wife. Maybe a member of their
church choir. He strikes me as born again, like he digs Jesus quite a bit. A
likeable man, he seems. And the woman had come to see him off, I guess. That
was a while ago…and I had sort of forgotten him till about 30 minutes ago when
I lift my eyes from my phone and spot him picking his nose. I didn’t mind him
but I remember feeling grateful that they don’t make us shake hands with fellow
passengers before we take our seats. I kept looking at him. And guess what he
does next: he rolls the snuff he dug from his nose on his thumb and index
finger, sort of absent-mindedly. He's holding an ipad on his other hand. Am still
watching. He takes his time, rolling the mine, and for a while I think he’s gonna toss it somewhere in the aisle. No, he keeps rolling (and digging for more). He turns
to look at the girl seated in front of me – the beautiful, perfumed one of this
train – perhaps, I think, to check if she’s looking. He hesitates a little, looks
around again, making sure the coast is clear, and then in one quick flick of
the arm he tosses the little roll into his mouth. Yes. And am there.
Watching…like a scene from Hekaya za
Abunuwasi. It’s so epic it looks like a prank.
He slides into a slumber
not long after this award-deserving stunt
[50 minutes later]
I spot him googling
something on his ipad. If I squinted my eyes just a little I’ll be able to read
the words from where I sit. Know what? Am curious as a cat. Am nosy, and
sneaky. A bad breed; that’s what I am so watch out! I can read what’s on his
google search box but I honestly want to believe my eyes are playing ole Lenku
on me…because what I see there is funny as hell. Here: “Hot women who love
Jesus”. That’s what he is searching.
This guy must really dig
Jesus (which, if you ask me, is a great thing). In fact, I think everyone
should. We may live in barbarous, blasphemous times, with all kinds of
fundamentalist cuckoos fighting for control over our lives and minds. But poor
Jesus has nothing to do with any of that baloney.
I imagine him as this
free-spirited fellow roaming the land of Israel like an existential hippie, a psychologically
tortured but sensitive man. I think he saw how gorgeous the world can be, how
gracious life is, and how sensual the pleasures on hand. But he also knew how
cruel people are to each other, how brutal the trials of existence, how
tempting it is to do wrong. I imagine people gathered around him because he
gave meaning to their struggle, comforted them within the chaos of life and
roused their desire to be happy and good. But I’ve often wondered what he would
think of our world today, though. Where would he stand on the major questions
of our time – on capital punishment, for instance? Or homosexuality? What would
he say to those that invoke his name on these matters? I think he’d want us to
make art instead of money, to enjoy sex, to allow ourselves the overwhelming
doubt that we are here for a reason. He probably wouldn’t support our wars or
the skinny pants we wear (hehehe...stay seated hey!!!). He’d have a lot to say – I know he’s pretty
opinionated, and people like those tend to forget a lot too – but am sure he wouldn’t
forget to tell us to value our time, and each other, and to stop triflin’.
Now back to where we were.
What does our guy want with hot women who love Jesus? Was he looking for
Christian porn? Huh? I already thought him born again; was he looking for some
nasty girl who loved Jesus as much as he did? And wait, do they make those
kinds of girls? Or could I have gotten him all wrong from the beginning? Could
he be a heathen only out flirting with the idea of debasing some innocent child
of God?
Here I am contemplating the
universe, all because of some random guy on a train looking for sexy Jesus
freaks to shag, in between picking his nose and taking naps. The gods must be super
crazy!!!
My watch says I have 37
more minutes. Let me use those to do my own google searches as well.
